|
Saturday, 3 September 2005
Now Playing: mcr- im not okay
Topic: something else
i feel like shit. i just want to die so badly right now. ive given up cutting. and i dont want to go back. but im comming pretty damn close. everything is going to wrong at the moment. i dont like anything. there doesnt seem to be much to live for anyways. who is there for me to turn to. no one. even the people i do trust i cant confide in. why is that. coz my situation is fucked thats why. does anyone really care. no. if i killed myself it would take a few school days before anyone called to see what happened. and my mobile would just ring out so they would just give up now wouldnt they. my death could go unnoticed by my friends for days and days. life is so fucked. the only people that would really miss me if i died is my family. i dont know if thats enough sometimes though. sometimes i need more to live for then just my family. especially since my sister is a bitch.. my brother pretends i am my sister... i cant confide in my parents or my other sisters. i could just kill myself one night and they wouldnt need to know any of it. it would be so damn easy. i just wish i could...
Posted by cryptickim
at 11:28 PM NZT
Monday, 1 August 2005
Mood:
 accident prone
Now Playing: motion city soundtrack- everything is alright
Topic: putting the end in words
im writing my suicide note. i dont intend on using it as of yet but i thought id just be safe and write it now. you never know what might happen in the future.
Posted by cryptickim
at 11:51 PM NZT
Sunday, 24 July 2005
Topic: im so anoyed right now
scotts a lying whore bag.. always sais he will start updating his journal. never does. typical male.
p.s my kitten is gorgeous
Posted by cryptickim
at 11:28 PM NZT
Wednesday, 20 July 2005
Mood:
 energetic
Now Playing: nothing
Topic: fun fun fun
last night was lot of fun. i mean i replaces the blade on my scalple. its really sharp. and really good. i think im in love. it cuts so good. lots of blood. it was better then usual. i had to bandage my leg. well thats about all. just thought id share my glee. hoorah for sharp objects.
Posted by cryptickim
at 11:56 PM NZT
Saturday, 16 July 2005
Mood:
 blue
Now Playing: jack johnson- staple it together
Topic: another day
ive been neglecting my blog. ive been so caught up in updating my vf journal that i had all but forgotten about it. it was only when i went to write an entry that i thought was a bit to personal to tell a billion people over the net that i thought to come came. well anyways. today i went for a walk. i took my dogs. i walked to the far end of jerrabomberra up near waterfall ridge. i went up there because there were storm clouds up there and i was just attracted to them for some reason. anyways. i climed the hill. and i sat on a mossy rock. hugged my dog. and stared into the distance. i swear if i had the means at that point in time i would have killed myself. its all i think about anymore. i dont find things funny unless they are about death. i dont enjoy thinking about normal things just death. it seems everywhere i turn is death. i just cant handle it. instead of only think about it at nigh time like i used to its the first thing on my mind when i wake up. its in every thought all day. there isnt a second i dont think about killing myself. i think about it late at night. i just sit there holding my knife over my wrist deciding if i should. i never do. i suppose maybe im scared of the pain. when i commist suicide i plan on overdosing. i think that will be the least hurtfull way to die. everyday just seems to blur into the next. it doesnt even matter anymore. seems no matter what happens i want to die. even when i have a good day and nothing drastically bad has happened. i just wish i was dead. im so sick of my life. so damned sick of it. well thats about it. im an idiot. and by writing this if scott reads it he will only get worried. but im not his resposibility so he should be. im no ones responsibility but my own. and hopefull one day not even my own. that reminds me. i had a dream the night before last. in this dream my parents tried to kill me but i caught wind of their plan and managed to stop them. so they pretended they liked me and took me out. but when we got out i realised they were only taking me out because they had sold me to someone. that was a bad dream. it might seem trivial if not somewhat amusing but i tell you its a good thing i dont sleep cut. the love of my family is all i have left to live for. i could not stand it if i ever lost it.
Posted by cryptickim
at 11:35 PM NZT
Sunday, 26 June 2005
Mood:
 don't ask
Topic: die fuckers
i hate my friends. i hate them to hell. i hope they all fucking die pricks. one very relevant question was raised in the midst of the fighting.. rhiannon came to the defence of nicky and told me to fuck off coz she is nickys friend... what the fuck am i!
DO THEY HATE ME AS MUCH AS I HATE THEM! at least im honest about my hate. they all play this shitty little game where they pretend to like each other and care about each others feelings. ITS NOT TRUE. if there is one thing ive learned its that humans are selfish. my friends more so then most. what ever makes them happy. i hope the get trapped in a crematory fire. they wrecked my life. I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR. why the fuck whould i anyways
Posted by cryptickim
at 2:06 AM NZT
Saturday, 25 June 2005
Mood:
 down
Now Playing: nine inch nails- the hand that feeds
Topic: abandoned
my councellor has well and truely forgotten about me. it is only meant to take a few days to get a reply but i have waited two weeks. everyday i pray that ive gotten a reply, and everyday im more dissapointed then the day before. ive given up hope of being helped. i mean truely who is there to help me. i am completely alone in the world. the one real friend i had abandoned me. the person who is professionaly meant to help has abandoned me. my other friends abandoned me a long time ago. who am i supposed to turn to. all i have is myself. and im not much fucking use now am i. the only thing i manage to do is make things worse. i think in some sick deluded way my feeling the way i do is a form of entertainment to me. there is nothing i enjoy better then looking at the physical scars that show that the emotional ones are real. it keeps me sane. or as sane as is possible at the moment. im fucking crazy!
Posted by cryptickim
at 11:05 PM NZT
Sunday, 19 June 2005
Mood:
accident prone
Now Playing: the dresden dolls-slide
Topic: confused...damn confused
well me and scott have established that we have fixed everything. even though i dont trust him. but we have fixed it to an extent where we are still friends. but if its fixed why do i still feel so empty. i think that perhaps its because ive lost my only confidant. now what am i supposed to do. i have no one. i am completely alone in the world. go figure. i hate my life. i wish i was anyone but me.i wish i was a rock. no thoughts. no responsibilites. no freaking homework. i have an assignment due which we were given last year but i havent even started. and its due this week, and there is no way i can possibly fix it because we had to collect plants in summer when the flower heads were out. but i didnt. now im screwed. but when wasnt i?
Posted by cryptickim
at 11:35 PM NZT
Mood:
blue
Now Playing: the dresden dolls-half jack
Topic: alone
im finally totally and utterly alone. there is no time i have ever felt more like dying. my one life line thinks that im a selfish bitch. he even called me "ill" i just dont know if i can keep on this way. im cold and shaking and i was crying just a minute ago. karena came out so i had to hide my face and quickly hurry out of the room. i cant believe that this is happening. i spose its been comming for a while. he stopped caring. thats all there is to it. he stopped hearing about how my life was. he didnt know i was getting counselling. he didnt know how raw i felt. now he wont know anything about me ever again. i dont even know anything about me. i just cant stop shaking. scott was the only real friend i had. now ive lost everything. im completely and utterly alone. sometimes the only thing to do is give up.
Posted by cryptickim
at 12:23 AM NZT
Saturday, 11 June 2005
Mood:
 irritated
Now Playing: silverchair- abuse me
Topic: alive
another day. one that maybe mightent have happened. but has. well it would seem that i just suck. yesterday i was so sick of everything. i was just ready to lay down and die. i distracted myself. i did boring things like watched a movie. then i went to sleep and pretended i hadnt been contmplating my own death. and now im numb. i dont care about anything. today i woke up. then i lay in my bed and stared at the ceiling listening to the dresden dolls for an hour and then drifting off to sleep. and then i got up and i painted and then i had a bath and listened to the dresden dolls again and repeated the same song over and over. the song was bad habits. its a song about cutting. i dont know but it just makes me feel real. otherwise i am so out of touch with everything. i just dont care anymore. if i got hit by a bus i wouldnt even flinch when i saw it comming towards me. it really wouldnt bother me. nothing matters anymore.
Posted by cryptickim
at 10:57 PM NZT
Newer | Latest | Older
| 
